It’s 3:52 on a Monday morning, about this time I should be saying my prayers, having my devotional and readying myself for half an hour of power walks around the house. Today feels quite different though, the vibe feels different. It’s the day before my birthday.
As I laid in bed looking at the white ceiling panel, fan blades spinning on speed 1, I thought to myself at which point do I feel like I am ready to head back into the game? Am I making progress on working myself or do I still feel the need to do more to feel 101% ready to get back in? It’s really an intriguing process when you are battling with your demons. Do not get me wrong, it’s a hell of a process, energy sapping at most times but when the storms quiet down, the playbacks are usually riveting to say the least.
Last year right about this time, I was crunching numbers on possible projects, running around in discreet, trying to setup meetings, and then having to deal with what seems a nonexistent love life. I eventually shelved these plans momentarily and got myself a job at a company which I presently find myself in. I was swamped with various activities so much that I failed to check in with myself. I figured “hey, I’m good, focusing on the essentials and priorities..life is good, right?” Wrong!
What was to come was a series of back and forth struggles in the quest to fix the love life, a suicidal death of a close cousin and the most interesting bit, a fight with depression which would see me seclude myself from the world..well almost, but you get the point. I was in a fix. I felt perhaps, I was not cut out for the world and that I had run my course even though I was still in pursuit of my purpose. It is fascinating because at this very time of my life, I was juggling two activities that were toxic for each other; finding love and depression. If you have been in this situation or know anyone who has, you would know it’s like mixing oil with water, or taking in diary products when you are lactose intolerant.
I went through a period only God understood and perhaps my faith in the long run was being tested and my goodness how much of a test that was. It is funny because I always saw myself as a representation of my father, one who made the popular expression “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” look so easy and with panache. A strong head, the unbent one if you like, but one with so much faith and charisma. That is the kind of man I thought I was impersonating at the time and so you can imagine my own shock when I fell into that state. You know what the kick about all this was? It took my cousins death for me to realize where I had fallen off in this journey of life. It took that moment, for that penny to drop to have the seal on my eyes and in my soul to crack open and realize that I was sowing and almost harvesting a seed that would eventually bury me 6-feet deep before my due date.
I sat up on my bed recollecting the moments and it is fair to say, I may have never lived to celebrate the next day. I wondered, what would my obituary say? How would those who on any given day would fight tooth and nails for me say? It felt surreal, but more importantly, it was a cue for me to assess where I was and where I intend to go. I have to admit I feel great right about now, I am fully aware of my surroundings and if not anything, my faith just gets more and more solidified.
I am still fighting with the love demons and maybe that’s a sign for me to not rush into things or maybe that is one hell of a demon which seems to have a Hearts of Oak mentality. It is not about not wanting it, heck, love is such a beautiful aspect of life and I can say that because I have been there before and when everything syncs, it is such an amazing feeling. It is more about me expecting whoever to want it as much as I do. Times have passed where I used to “stretch and break limbs” or in lain man terms, go all out in pursuit of what I thought was the real deal only to come up short. I still have that fire, question is, does she want it out as much as I do? Some might call this being picky, not willing to open up, but to me, I see this as a systematic process which has the potential to work even better than the last couple of relationships I have been in.
I am more decisive and most definitely more precise about what I am looking for and it is not about the flashiness or the body counts or the “Kofi is in one so I definitely need to also be in one’, no! It’s about finding that confidant, that special one. The supportive one who is a visionary as you are and will push you all the way to be an almost perfect version of yourself. To me, the definition of soulmate is someone who irrespective of miles, towns, countries, continent, once you feel pain, he or she feels it too, like in a spiritually inclined, telepathic sense. Do I think that’s too much to ask for? No. Am I searching like a predator smelling possible preys within a 10 mile radius? Not really but I am definitely open to the idea.
However, I need to make sure that it feels right, that I feel right and that whilst I am building on a career, on a business and on my faith, that I am in the most perfect of shapes to have all systems go. Who knows what tomorrow brings though? I could be back here telling you about the most amazing girl I met right after writing this piece. I guess we’ll never know till it happens.